When the World Shifts
When someone takes a break from the day to day expectations for business, people are quick to read into the lack of information. I, like so many in my industry, am dealing with the COVID blues, reworking business plans, working more from home, supporting family and friends, etc. Life has dramatically shifted since March 2020.
My life halted on December 29, 2020. My mother was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer. This is the first time I have had the courage to write it. It still hurts my heart deeply. By nature, I am a fixer. I want to make life better for people, but this could not be fixed. I went into care giver mode, over-bearing daughter, hospice nurse and a puddle of muck. Nothing else mattered except fixing my mom.
People come into your life for a reason. You may lose touch with them, but some how the universe brings you full circle. I attended a funeral in December for a vibrant woman who lost her battle with the same disease. Her daughter was a former client/friend from 20 years ago when I first started as a trainer in Richmond, Virginia. We stayed in touch randomly. As soon as I received the prognosis for my mom, I reached out to her. I knew her pain was still powerfully present, but I had to know what to expect. She was raw, emotional and courageous. She shared it all and relived the hardship with me so that I could cope. How amazing is that for a person to do for someone else? She helped me step forward to take on the hardest task I'd ever face as a person... helping my mom leave this world peacefully and releasing the fact that I could not alter the outcome. This friend gave me an invaluable gift - thank you.
January 24, 2021 my mother passed away holding my hand along with my brother's. We were together as a family for one final moment. It was peaceful, devastating, heart-breaking and loving. The sun peaked through the blinds, birds were singing and a light snow had fallen just enough to dust the ground. There was a shift in our world at that very moment.
Grief is a form of love. It's never ending, although I've been told it will become easier. But for now I know feeling this way is ok. I don't want anyone telling me "she's at peace", or "at least she did not suffer" and "this too shall pass". I call bullshit! That is why I have hit the "pause" button on being there for everyone. I need to be here for ME. This is something I will not gloss over just to be back to normal.
I want you to know I am not happy, joyful or positive. I do not have to be and I am perfectly fine with this. This is a healthy behavior pattern. We are not meant to be riding the Positivity Express every single day. There are days when being positive is the last thing you can do or should do. There are days when crying is the most therapeutic, cleansing moment you can have with yourself. This is me now and this may be you at some point. I find accepting this peaceful.
I value what I have accomplished over the last 20 years as a coach/trainer. I know my mom did not always understand my career or my passion for endurance sports, but she supported me and was proud of me. She was my biggest fan! I also know she did not want to leave this earth. She said it many times. Her last words, four days before she died were, "I love you Patti Lynn - Be Brave." They echo in my head everyday.
So as I return to client consultations, personal training and coaching athletes it is because it's my passion, but it is not my entire purpose. Taking care of my emotions, my body, and my mind is the most invaluable action I can do for myself in this time of shifting. I am not sure if this is being brave, but it's a start.